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Never trust people who renovate kitchens
they specialize in counterfeiting.

They say a woman's work is never done.
Maybe that's why they don't get paid as much.

Never name your daughter "Amber"
They seem to get abducted a lot.

I've never understood the idea of invisible planes.
I just can't see them taking off.

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day
Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

What are the three words you never want to hear when making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!
Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

I've never tipped a cow.
But, then again, I've never had one serve me drinks or a meal.

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,
I was shocked
 

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
 
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