Official Joke Thread
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Groaners
1.A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
3. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
4. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
5. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
6. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
7. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
8. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
10. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
11. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
12. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
13. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
14. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis
1.A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
3. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
4. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
5. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
6. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
7. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
8. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
10. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
11. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
12. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
13. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
14. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis
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12,026 Posts
Drunk Blonde
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.”
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.”
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298 Posts
During the invasion of Finland, a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.
They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"
The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is a lot of noise and shooting and after a while silence comes and none of the Russians return.
The voice speaks once again saying: "One Fin can beat 100 Russians!"
The general is a little upset by now and sends 150 of his troops to go for sure. Once again there is a lot of noise and shooting and once again none of the Russians return.
The Voice speaks again: "One fin can beat 1000 Russians!"
The general is fuming and sends 1000 of his best men, accompanied with tanks and artillery. The noise and shooting lasts way longer this time and as silence almost settled again one Russian comes crawling back over the hill bleeding from a wound.
He says: "I beg you, don't send any more troops, it's a trap! There are two of them!"
They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"
The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is a lot of noise and shooting and after a while silence comes and none of the Russians return.
The voice speaks once again saying: "One Fin can beat 100 Russians!"
The general is a little upset by now and sends 150 of his troops to go for sure. Once again there is a lot of noise and shooting and once again none of the Russians return.
The Voice speaks again: "One fin can beat 1000 Russians!"
The general is fuming and sends 1000 of his best men, accompanied with tanks and artillery. The noise and shooting lasts way longer this time and as silence almost settled again one Russian comes crawling back over the hill bleeding from a wound.
He says: "I beg you, don't send any more troops, it's a trap! There are two of them!"
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