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I'm sure most of you have seen this before however it still has a certain tongue in cheek humor to it.

Tool Definitions


*DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

*WIRE WHEEL: Clean paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'.

*SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

*PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. also makes a good hammer

*BELT SANDER:* An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

*HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
also makes a good hammer


*OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

*TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity and sometimes removing parts of the hand

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on you shirt; but can also
be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

*PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

*HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit.


*UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 

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wabbit wangler
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9,061 Posts
I have seen it many times, but it is always funny. I wish I had a video of the time I was cleaning off some tractor wheels with an angle grinder with a wire brush on it. I had a rag poked into the bearing to keep the grit out. The brush grabbed the rag and in the .00000002 seconds that I had it in my hand it hit me about 40,567 times. And it hurt. I dropped it and it ran across my work table hit the ground and continued across the back yard till it hit the end of the 100 foot extension cord and unplugged itself.
 

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Tractorholic
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4,070 Posts
I have seen it many times, but it is always funny. I wish I had a video of the time I was cleaning off some tractor wheels with an angle grinder with a wire brush on it. I had a rag poked into the bearing to keep the grit out. The brush grabbed the rag and in the .00000002 seconds that I had it in my hand it hit me about 40,567 times. And it hurt. I dropped it and it ran across my work table hit the ground and continued across the back yard till it hit the end of the 100 foot extension cord and unplugged itself.
 

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Connoisseur of Rusty Junk
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...I was cleaning off some tractor wheels with an angle grinder with a wire brush on it. I had a rag poked into the bearing to keep the grit out. The brush grabbed the rag and in the .00000002 seconds that I had it in my hand it hit me about 40,567 times...
I use paper towels to plug up the bearing holes when I use the wire wheel (learned not to use rags the hard way just like you did LOL)...lets just say it's the fastest, most efficient way I know of to make confetti!
 

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Tractor Whisperer
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1,473 Posts
yea its been a while and your right, still always provides a good laugh
 

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Accumulator
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13,481 Posts
Yep,seen quite a few time,but always funny.Thanks for posting it.
 

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Arti said:
After you check the conductivity of wire cutters you have a new tool... A wire stripper !!
I have two big coffee cans of those type strippers. Nothing worse then buying a $35 pair of Klein ***** and then blowing them up before they are even broken in.
Thankfully it's been a long time since doing so.
 
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